Our children show the way back to civility
To Heal Our Nation, We Must Begin Asking for the Why
By Dr. Autumn A. Graves
The challenge with talking about civic discourse, especially during a presidential election year, is that as a well-functioning society, civility should be a constant practice, not just when it is time to vote for a high-profile leader.
Yet, the recent political season and its ongoing aftermath has been anything but civil. We’ve drifted far from accepting, let alone encouraging, opposing viewpoints.
As the head of school for a Pre-School through Grade 12 independent school, I see every day how welcoming diverse perspectives makes us stronger as a community. In fact, courteous but rigorous discourse is more than “welcome” — it is essential for good citizenry.
Yet, in much of today’s world, discourse is often anything but courteous. We argue, label, and vent, sometimes aggressively. As adults, we too often lose ourselves in polarization, even as our children watch and wonder.
The bright side? Most young people aren’t as concerned with our divisions as they are curious about their own world — the latest viral video or how they can make their friends laugh. In a way, they’re showing us the path forward.
I often tell students that we adults messed up the world, and it’s up to them to fix it. And I believe they will.
But for our children to succeed at bringing our world back to a place of civility, we adults must also embrace the discomfort of re-learning how to engage in civil civic discourse ourselves.
We need to begin asking questions that go beyond assumptions. I suggest beginning with the question every young child asks on repeat: “Why?”
Take a moment to think about why children believe what they do. So often, they’ve absorbed ideas from a friend, a teacher, a family member, or even a stranger online.
It’s increasingly rare for children to gain their beliefs from a traditional news source. A recent study from the Center for Information & Research on Civic Learning and Engagement found that just 10% of people aged 18-29 see political news "fairly often."
Instead, young people today turn to the people in their lives — family, friends, or favorite personalities on social media.
For young people today, information from social media influencers can feel just as compelling as that from a vetted, trustworthy source. This is why diversity of thought and asking “why” is more crucial than ever.
In schools, our role is to facilitate curiosity. We partner with families in hopes that those inquisitive discussions continue in the car and around the dinner table.
Together, we must nurture an environment where children are encouraged to ask why, to think critically, and to seek more than just easy answers that feel safe and familiar.
It’s better that they learn this art of inquiry now than years down the road.
To be clear, this is not about being progressive, conservative, libertarian, or any specific political ideology. The aim of education is not to convert everyone to the same opinion or eliminate debate. In fact, rigorous academics rely on it.
But healthy disagreement is one thing; antagonism and hate are another. As a school, and in our society, we need to foster the former without succumbing to the latter.
One simple way to approach this is by asking why people hold the beliefs they do. Engage in deep listening when they reply. Ask questions without judgment. And even if you vehemently oppose their words, treat the other person with dignity and respect.
Seek commonalities, however small they may be. Common interests build community, and communities collaborate to solve issues that might otherwise divide them.
As the daughter of a seamstress, I often think of our world as a multi-colored garment. Each thread contributes to the whole. The beauty lies not in one color or another, but how it all fits together to create something more vibrant.
Healing this metaphorical fabric of society won’t happen overnight. And after this election season is finally over, the road back to civil civic discourse may take years.
But it will happen, and today’s school-age citizens hold the key. Our world can, and will, rediscover civility — one “why,” one act of non-judgmental curiosity, at a time.
Dr. Autumn A. Graves is head of school at St. Anne’s-Belfield, an age 2 through Grade 12 independent school in Charlottesville,Virginia.